Emotions
by artemisgirl
Summary: We've all seen Terra's untimely demise, and we all saw Beast Boy saddened by it. But who else was overwhelmed with grief at her passing? RavenxTerra yuri -oneshot-


A/N: Dark, angsty oneshot where Raven reflects on Terra and her demise. Don't complain; I'm in a freaky dark mood....

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People often think I can't feel emotions.

How wrong they are.

Whenever I was little, I caused chaos. If I was upset, candles would explode in a mass of fiery wax. If I was happy, I'd start to levitate, and float around the room, banging off of the walls. If I was upset, I'd morph into my soul self, and get lost. My mother realized that my emotions were volatile, and before she died, she initiated me into the church of Azar. They saw emotions as a weakness, and never showed them. I needed the same ability, but for a different reason.

I was put through vigorous training to learn how to suppress my emotions. If I became too passionate about something, havoc could ensue. The priests taught me how to not show anything, and be blank. If I never expressed my emotions, and kept them under control, my powers wouldn't escape, and everything would be okay.

After I had learned all I could from them, I came to Earth to start over, and to live a new life. I learned that by saying certain emotional triggers, I could control my powers, and help save lives. I came up with a mantra for myself, a sort of spell, with three emotional triggers. Azarath is the name of where I was born, and where I used to live. Metrion is my given name, the one I used on Azarath, as I had picked a new name for myself when I came to earth. Zinthos was the name of my pet raven, whom I used to talk to for hours on end, and fly with.

I found a group of kids that were about my age, who had talents like mine, called the Teen Titans. I joined them, and helped to fight crime. I settled into a sort of routine. I would meditate daily, keeping a firm grasp on my emotions so I could use them whenever I needed. Occasionally I would lapse, and something would blow up, but it was increasingly rare.

Until _she_ came.

We were so alike. We could both move things with our mind. I had telekinesis, and she had gaiakinesis. Our powers were both unstable, triggered by emotion, and we fight to keep control. We were both girls, alone in this world, with no one who could understand. No one but each other. We were like two halves, practically identical, each part needing the other to be complete. But we had gotten seperated, and lost each other in the process. She was just so like me.

I fell in love with her.

I knew it was doomed from the start. She and Beast Boy seemed to have had a thing going on since they first laid eyes on each other. I wish this had discouraged me, but it didn't. I had to meditate the entire night when she first came to keep a firm hold on my emotions.

I went out of my way to avoid her, although no body noticed. My emotions were incredibly unstable with that goddess around, and I could scarcely control them. When she ran off, and rock started falling, I was terrified for her safety. When we finally found her, being embraced by Beast Boy, a sharp pang of jealousy skewered my abdomen, but still I did not react.

When she left, I was crushed. How could she leave solely because of something Beast Boy said? Beast Boy had said millions of things over the years that made me upset, but I didn't just run. My emotions were frazzled for days, and I had to spend most of my time meditating, just to keep everybody safe.

I noticed something though. We fought the Plasmus a week or so after she left, and my normal 'Azarath Metrion Zinthos' didn't move as much as I had hoped it would, and I didn't have enough to fling at Plasmus. I tried again, this time mentally adding a 'Terra' after it. Plasmus became swamped in my black power, and his slime crumbled into dust, leaving a sleeping insane man.

I knew that she had gotten to me too much. If she aroused that much emotion in me, it could be dangerous. I vowed to overcome her, and regain the internal peace I had once held.

Weeks later, I was approaching the calm I once had. I was finishing up meditating, when she came back.

I was furious. Would she ever leave me alone? Just as soon as I had got her out of my mind, she returned to plague me yet again! I snapped at her, annoyed. But the rest of the team was all for her staying. Permanently.

I sensed something different about her, though. More confidence, more control. But there was something else. Something dark, like what I had hidden away deep inside of me. Except her dark wasn't hidden and suppressed; it was cherished.

I warned the others about it, but they paid me no heed. I knew she couldn't be trusted, and that she was to be our downfall. Especially mine.

But despite my colossal efforts, she wormed her way back into my heart. She had looked so earnest, crying for acceptance and my trust, and I couldn't help but give it to her. I managed to convince myself that she was good and trustworthy, but in the back of my mind, I knew I was fooling no one.

As time wore on, I became more acquainted with her. I learned her favorite color was red, she hated mint, and she loved cinnamon. I learned that she could feel the ground pulse beneath her, and that her power was yellow from the molten core of the earth. I learned more important things about her, too.

I learned that despite her emotions being unstable, she pushed her limits, instead of appearing emotionless. She once told me that she only had one life to live, and she wanted to live it fully. I noticed that the more she pushed herself, the more her emotions could be expressed safely. I began practicing as well, being more affectionate to my teammates, laughing a bit, smiling, and showing when I was upset or angry. I had the occasional light explode or vase melt, but for the most part, I worked.

Terra had given me a way to lead a normal life. All I had to do was master and expand the range of control of my emotions, and I was already making immense progress. I was forever in her debt, despite the darkness swirling inside of her that grew as time went on. I chose to ignore it, foolishly hoping it would diminish as time went on. Instead, I entertained a notion that once I could fully express myself safely, I would tell her how I felt, and she would accept my feelings, and maybe even return them.

She became my best friend. We were often found in my room, dicussing literature, or in the café, reading and listening to poetry. We would discuss how we felt inside, and how our power was tearing us up inside, and how we longed to be free of the facade we hid behind. I fell in love with her even more deeply. And something inside me told me she might have just been falling for me too.

At times, she seemed to return my feelings. We would sit in my room and talk, discussing random things. I can't remember a single thing we talked about, but I remember the joy I felt when I was with her. Once, I became exceedingly upset over something we were talking about, and my lamp blew up. I was crushed, as I had been doing so well controlling my emotions, but I had failed. I was a failure. I couldn't help but cry quietly, still gripping the reins of control tightly. She came over and held me, as I cried noiseless sobs into her chest.

One time when we were going for a walk, she saw a construction crew digging up the earth to put a new mall in. She became enraged, and ran over, yelling at the bulldozers. I grabbed her, and walked with her as she ranted angrily at them. Her yells became sobs, as she cried over the pain the earth was feeling. I held her to me as she sobbed into me, rocks flying around us wildly.

She had seen me at my weakest, and I had seen her at her weakest as well. Yet we supported each other throughout it all. I was so deeply in love with her, that a smile lit my face when she entered the room. When she was gone, I was depressed. I would have done anything for her.

When the Slade bots invaded our tower, I was devastated. I was an emotional overload. She had taken Beast Boy with her in a last attempt at her good side. My friendship had meant nothing to her, and she hadn't even said good-bye. She had only befriended me to seek out my weaknesses. She didn't even like me. She wanted me dead. She wanted all of us dead except for Beast Boy.

When the Slade bots invaded our tower, I was an emotional overload. She had taken Beast Boy with her in a last attempt at her good side. My friendship had done nothing to help her, and she hadn't even said good-bye. She wanted all of us killed except for Beast Boy. She wanted me dead.

My fury drove my power, and I was reckless, demolishing the robots like a nuclear weapon, leaving destruction in my wake, as I expressed my feelings of betrayal fully, lashing out ruthlessly at the robots.

After we had won the battle, we sat down to discuss what had happened. I told them that I knew she couldn't be trusted, and what she had done to us. But I was really berating myself for letting my love of her turn into my weakness, which could now prove fatal. I went out into the middle of nowhere that night, and screamed at the sky, crying and yelling at whoever had made her do this to me. How could there be anything worth living for in this world without her? My emotions escaped and swirled about wildly, but as there was nothing there, nothing was destroyed, except for perhaps my heart.

In the days that followed, I became upset with Beast Boy, who moped around listlessly. How dare he act like he was the only one effected by Terra's betrayal? At least she wanted to save him, not leave him to die.

A few days after she left, when Cinderblock, Overload, and Plasmus attacked, I went after Overload by myself, knowing I could drain his power effortlessly with all the inner turmoil I was feeling. It would be a chance to get all my emotions out and be helpful at the same time. But she had to come and ruin me again.

As she taunted me, I grew more and more desperate, knowing that I was about to burst into tears. I knew that she must never see that side of me, the side that loved her, however, or she would truly destroy me. But the idea of her not caring about me destroyed my compuser completely. When I was an inch away from breaking down and sobbing, I chose to do something exceedingly risky, which turned out to save my life.

I let Trigon take control.

I had become practiced enough with expanding the range of my emotions that I was confident I would be able to regain control eventually. My rage consumed me, as I lashed out at Terra, my unbridled fury crushing her. In her eyes, I saw that she was terrified, and she knew I shouldn't have had such a strong reaction to a few taunts. She was shocked, and couldn't react. Slade came to her rescue, though, and using the neural interface, used her powers to drag me down into the mud to kill me.

But because I was being controlled by Trigon, my rage and anger side, I didn't die. Trigon, my father, was a demon, and demons never die. His immortality allowed me to survive for 3 days in the mud, before I felt it was safe to come out. It was the only good thing Trigon had ever done for me.

When I emerged from the mud, I took control of my body with surprising ease. It seemed that my rage had grown weak at being exposed so purely for so long. I picked up the other Titan's auras with relative ease, and traveled to the sewer where they were hiding. They were all relieved that I was alive. We all swapped stories of how we had survived. I altered mine, however, to say I had formed a black shield around me in the mud, keeping me from suffocation, instead of telling them what had really happened.

I was determined not to show her any mercy, since she had tried to destroy me, physically, emotionally, and mentally, and the others were determined as well. For days on end, we plotted her demise, knowing grimly how hard it would be to hurt someone that had once been our friend. The five of us grew closer than ever, knowing our friendship would pull us through.

Finally, it was time to strike. I attempted to push all the doubts I had into the deep recesses of my mind. I failed miserably, as I was still inclined to be merciful to her, despite what she had done.

When we were fighting, I caught her eye once. Our eyes locked, and it was as if time stood still. I saw deep into her soul, and saw that she had no regret for what she did. That she had wanted to do it, and had enjoyed it. That she would do it again.

I'm sure she saw into me as well. Our gaze was so intense I'm sure nothing was left hidden from the other. She saw my fear, my anger, my betrayal, and my love. Our eyes remained locked, and I saw disgust in her eyes when she saw how I felt for her.

I'm sure the agony I felt at that moment flooded into her in powerful waves. All the anger, hurt, sadness, and betrayal. And the remains of my foolish, hopeful notion that once I could express myself safely, I could tell her how I felt. All my internal pain poured into her. I saw shock run through her mind at the depth of my feelings just before the car I had launched at her hit her. I may be just hoping, but I thought I saw regret in her brilliant blue orbs as well.

When Beast Boy deviated from our plan, choosing instead to run after Terra, I was livid. He had let his emotions get ahead of him, and was risking the entire success of our mission. I was suffering as well, but you didn't see me go running after her!

We went after Beast boy after we defeated the monster thing and robots. We found Terra about to kill him, but she was struggling with herself, and wouldn't seem to let herself do it. Hope overwhelmed me, as I prayed that she would finally resist the seductive lure of evil. Slowly, I sensed her changing. Her darkness was pushed away, and good began to shine out from her pores.

She launched her power at Slade, throwing everything she had into defeating him. She lost control completely. I noticed her power seeping into the ground, seemingly unnoticed. She sent a shockwave of pure energy at him, and he fell deep into an abyss.

She collapsed, and lava started spurting up from the ground, having been triggered by Terra's power. We all hurried to leave, but Beast Boy stayed behind.

I couldn't help it. I stayed as well, hidden in the shadows. I was consciously aware of the fact that I was putting my life at risk for no good reason, except to watch Terra. I saw her embrace Beast boy, crying in his arms. My heart wrenched, as jealously and sympathy consumed me. I saw her send him off, as she turned to face her fate.

I stepped out of my hiding place, and she whipped around, as lava boiled beneath her. I saw shock cross her face as she realized I had stayed. I caught her eye, and saw deep inside of her.

I saw the remains of a shattered cold façade she had hidden behind that had protected the part of her that just wanted to be accepted and loved from being seen. I saw her joy that in spite of all she had done, I was still there for her. And I saw love in her eyes.

Before I knew what was happening, she had launched herself at me. She grabbed at me and kissed me roughly. She kissed me like there was no tomorrow, which there wasn't for her. She kissed me like she had loved me all along, but didn't know what to do about loving a girl, and had tried to hide her feelings by going out with Beast Boy instead. She kissed me like she loved me. And I kissed her back, expressing all my passion in it.

We stood there, in the face of Armageddon, kissing each other.

A lava explosion woke us up from our embrace, and we turned to face each other. I saw love shining in her eyes, as she embraced me one last time, as her eyes pleaded me to stay, for me to help her through this. Then she turned and began to deactivate the volcano.

I remained motionless, and watched silently as she destroyed herself, her life and power ripped viciously from her body as it stopped the volcano. I saw her body freeze in time, unmoving. I watched as she began to turn into stone, and she looked at me, terrified.

The moment she caught my eye, something flew back into her. Call it what you will, but I think it was hope. Hope that someway, somehow, she would come back, because finally, after so long, she had something to live for.

I watched her die. She had a calm, accepting expression on her face as the effects of her power explosion turned her into stone.

She had wanted to live a full life, and I'm sure she did. I wish it wasn't over.

5 years later, I sit here now, at the base of her statue, sitting, reflecting, and wishing. Cyborg has said that she can come back if the effects are reversed, which is possible, but takes an immensely long time to do. It will take many more years for that to happen, if it ever does. I watch her, as she stares straight ahead, unblinking, unmoving.

My communicator beeps, signaling I am needed, and I am roused from my reflections. I stand and face her.

I gently stroke her cold stone cheek, as a tear trails down my face, and Iwhisper, "I love you, Terra."

As I turn to leave, a breeze ruffles my hair, and I could swear I hear her say, "I love you too."

As I leave, I glance backwards at the woman who made my life complete. The woman who taught me to be myself. The woman who made me able to live life to the fullest. The woman who was cruelly taken from me. The woman who is gone forever.

People often think I can't feel emotions.

How very wrong they are.

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Remember, please review. Let me know what you think. No flames, please.


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